Do do do the PQQ

Along with seemingly every other agency in Scotland we at w00tonomy have just completed the pre-qualification questionnaire, the first stage in the process of trying to become one of the companies that supplies digital marketing services to the Scottish Government. It’s a massive contract so the PQQ is a big deal.

Of course, we weren’t phased by the “no win, no job” nature of the task, nor were we at all perturbed by the “spend the next three years feeding your family out of discarded takeaway boxes” ramifications of failure. From a position of Zen-like calm we have come up with our definitive guide to a crucial aspect of this very serious process.

So we humbly present:

Ten things not to do when filling out the PQQ

  • Respond using someone else’s text creation facility.
  • Refer to the Scottish “Executive” at any point.
  • Supply copies of your audited accounts written in green crayon with smiley faces drawn in all the zeros.
  • Attach “candid” photographs of the bid team as if they had been “surprised in the shower”.
  • Quote heavily from N.W.A.’s ground-breaking album Straight Outta Compton.
  • Make any reference whatsoever to Yes, Minister. The Department of Comment and Satirical Oversight in the Juxtapositional Observation Directorate has ruled that, following a 17-month review period, such portayals of the Civil Service as bureaucratic are “not amusing, humourous, diverting, entertaining, mirthful, droll or similarly deemed to be suitable for positive reference”. So suck on that, agency boy.
  • Answer Question 30(B) with the words: “But isn’t this the same as 30(A)???”.
  • Spray the PQQ document with perfume to give it “that personal touch”.
  • Spray the PQQ document with blood to give it “that personal touch”.
  • Wait until 2.59pm on deadline day to upload your response – only to find that the system has crashed because everyone is trying to do that at the same time.

w00tonomising ourselves: content marketing in action

w00t stoogesDr Graham Jones
From Bolton, Graham brings to the company unprecedented levels of northern grimness, expertise in keeping coal in the bath and a mistaken belief that there is some kind of nobility in perpetual footballing failure. He holds a doctorate in “Y’know Doctorology N Stuff” from the respected Correspondence College of West Dakota (Cash Only). A master of technology his proudest possession is a ZX-81 which one day he hopes to learn to switch on.

Tony Purcell
Arch-technician, futurologist, visionary, entrepreneur: with the help of a dictionary Tony can spell nearly all these words. Struck down at an early age with Irishness, he is a man of strong convictions, most of which are judged to have lapsed under UK law. And he has integrated well into society thanks to the miracle of Guinness. His most prized possession is his complete box set of series 1-12 of Channel 5’s Pimp My Shirt.

Stewart Kirkpatrick
For many years the “Ling and Sand Eel Correspondent” of the Craphampton Evening Argus and Fish Smoker, Kirkpatrick was later promoted to the post of assistant editor and then bathroom attendant. His reputation is such that he was recently offered a frontline, customer-facing post by a multinational but chose instead to remain with w00tonomy. Truly, McDonald’s loss is our gain. His range of skills includes fiddling expenses, stealing other people’s stories and enthusiastic backstabbing. His proudest possession legally belongs to someone else.

Is this some kind of joke?
Yes. And no. You see, we are a content marketing agency. We preach that to get through to an audience you must first engage their interest, build a relationship with them and then direct them to your message. We practise what we preach. You can find out who we really are on the Who’s w00tonomy page. Of course, none of the things above about our directors are true (though you might want to press that Kirkpatrick guy on exactly what “entertaining contacts” means on his expenses claims).