Do do do the PQQ

Along with seemingly every other agency in Scotland we at w00tonomy have just completed the pre-qualification questionnaire, the first stage in the process of trying to become one of the companies that supplies digital marketing services to the Scottish Government. It’s a massive contract so the PQQ is a big deal.

Of course, we weren’t phased by the “no win, no job” nature of the task, nor were we at all perturbed by the “spend the next three years feeding your family out of discarded takeaway boxes” ramifications of failure. From a position of Zen-like calm we have come up with our definitive guide to a crucial aspect of this very serious process.

So we humbly present:

Ten things not to do when filling out the PQQ

  • Respond using someone else’s text creation facility.
  • Refer to the Scottish “Executive” at any point.
  • Supply copies of your audited accounts written in green crayon with smiley faces drawn in all the zeros.
  • Attach “candid” photographs of the bid team as if they had been “surprised in the shower”.
  • Quote heavily from N.W.A.’s ground-breaking album Straight Outta Compton.
  • Make any reference whatsoever to Yes, Minister. The Department of Comment and Satirical Oversight in the Juxtapositional Observation Directorate has ruled that, following a 17-month review period, such portayals of the Civil Service as bureaucratic are “not amusing, humourous, diverting, entertaining, mirthful, droll or similarly deemed to be suitable for positive reference”. So suck on that, agency boy.
  • Answer Question 30(B) with the words: “But isn’t this the same as 30(A)???”.
  • Spray the PQQ document with perfume to give it “that personal touch”.
  • Spray the PQQ document with blood to give it “that personal touch”.
  • Wait until 2.59pm on deadline day to upload your response – only to find that the system has crashed because everyone is trying to do that at the same time.
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